How to help your parent recover emotionally after a scam

What your parent may be feeling

The money is only part of the loss. In a FINRA Investor Education Foundation survey of 600 fraud victims, half reported severe stress. More than a third reported depression, and 38 percent had trouble sleeping. Nearly half (47 percent) blamed themselves.

AARP reports that older victims have described feeling embarrassed, angry, violated, confused, and even suicidal. Shame keeps many silent. AARP notes that only about half of older victims told family or friends.

Signs they're struggling

If you see several of these for more than a couple of weeks, encourage a visit to their doctor. Offer to go along.

• Not sleeping, or sleeping much more than usual.
• Pulling away from friends, church, or activities they enjoyed.
• Saying "I'm so stupid" or "I can't be trusted with anything."
• Refusing to talk about it at all, or talking about nothing else.
• New trouble eating, focusing, or getting out of bed.
• Hiding mail, calls, or statements (which can also mean the scam is still going).

What helps, from people who do this work

1. Skip the blame and shame

   AARP's first rule for families. Put the blame on the criminal. These are professionals, and they target older adults on purpose.

2. Listen more than you talk

   Ask open questions and let them tell the story their way. AARP recommends listening with compassion over confronting.

3. Help with the reporting

   Reports can feel overwhelming. Doing them together turns helplessness into action. See where to report.

4. Give back some control

   Let your parent decide what new safeguards to use. Being told what to do can deepen the shame.

5. Keep them connected

   Isolation is a risk factor for repeat fraud, according to research by AARP and the FINRA Foundation. Regular calls, visits, and plans help.

6. Check in again later

   Shame often shows up days or weeks after. A quick "How are you doing with all that?" keeps the door open.

Things to say, and things to avoid

• Avoid: "How could you fall for that?"
• Avoid: "I told you so."
• Avoid: telling the whole family without asking first.
• Avoid: taking away the phone or checkbook as a punishment.

Free support to suggest

• AARP Fraud Watch Helpline: 1-877-908-3360, Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm Eastern. Trained specialists offer emotional support and guidance. It's free.
• AARP Fraud Victim Support Group: Free, confidential online sessions led by trained facilitators. Family members can attend too. Register on AARP's support group page.
• National Elder Fraud Hotline: 1-833-372-8311 for help reporting and finding other services.
• Their own doctor: For sleep, mood, or memory concerns.
• More options are on our scam victim support page.

Rebuilding confidence, not just security

Many parents fear it will happen again, and that fear can make them avoid email or the phone entirely. Small wins help: spotting a fake together, or having a simple way to check before acting. OwlGuardian can quietly quarantine suspicious Gmail and lets your parent use Call My Owl to check a text or letter in about five seconds, so they get a second opinion without having to call you every time.

Look after yourself too

Adult children feel anger, guilt, and worry too. The AARP helpline supports family members, and AARP's support groups welcome them. You don't have to fix everything at once.

Questions people ask