My mom (or dad) is in a romance scam. How do I help?

Why your parent may not believe you

Romance scammers spend weeks or months building a real-feeling relationship. They chat every day. They say they can't meet because they're overseas, on an oil rig, or in the military, according to the FTC. Then a crisis comes up that only money can fix.

By the time you notice, your mom or dad may be deeply attached. Telling them "this person isn't real" can feel like you're attacking someone they love. Confidence and romance scams cost people 60 and older $584 million in 2025, according to the FBI. Your parent is far from alone.

Signs it's a romance scam

• They met online and have never met in person, and video calls keep falling through.
• Things got intense fast, with talk of love or marriage early on.
• They moved the chat off the dating site to WhatsApp, Telegram, or text.
• There's always a crisis: medical bills, customs fees, a frozen bank account, a ticket home.
• They're "teaching" your parent to invest in crypto.
• Your parent is secretive about money or asks you for a loan.

What works: advice from scam experts

These steps come from researchers and AARP specialists quoted in AARP's reporting on victims in denial.

1. Make it you and them against the criminal

   Gerontologist Marti DeLiema puts it this way: "it's not you against the victim; it's you against the criminal." Accusations make people stop listening.

2. Ask, don't tell

   Show real interest. Let your parent tell you about this person. Then gently point out what doesn't add up.

3. Plant seeds of doubt

   Social psychologist Anthony Pratkanis suggests helping the person "come to their own conclusion." One good question beats ten facts.

4. Fill the need the scammer fills

   AARP's helpline points out that people need something to love, something to do, and something to hope for. More calls, visits, and plans with you can loosen the scammer's grip.

5. Call for backup

   A doctor, faith leader, financial adviser, or respected relative may get through when you can't.

What to say

What not to say or do

• Don't call your parent foolish, or the relationship "fake" in the first talk.
• Don't contact the scammer yourself. It can push your parent to hide things.
• Don't take over their phone or accounts without their agreement unless you have legal authority and real danger.
• Don't give up after one try. Change rarely happens in a single talk.

Protect the money while you talk

• Ask your parent to name you as a trusted contact at their bank or credit union. The CFPB describes this as someone the bank can call if it suspects exploitation. It does not let you see the account or make transactions.
• If they have a brokerage or retirement account, ask the firm about its trusted contact form. FINRA rules let firms place temporary holds on payouts when they suspect exploitation.
• If they've already paid, see how to get money back by payment method and report to the FTC and ic3.gov.
• If they keep sending money, read our intervention playbook.

When to escalate

If your parent keeps sending large sums, or memory problems are part of the picture, you can report to Adult Protective Services. Experts quoted by AARP call legal steps like conservatorship a last resort, because the bar is high and it can hurt the relationship. See how to report elder financial abuse.

Many romance scams start with emails and messages. OwlGuardian quarantines suspicious Gmail before your parent sees it and alerts you, and Call My Owl lets them check a screenshot of a message in seconds. It can't end a relationship that's already started, but it can help catch the next approach.

Take care of yourself too

Amy Nofziger of AARP's Fraud Watch Network Helpline warns that you might never convince your loved one. Set limits on what you'll lend or give. Talk to someone. The AARP Fraud Watch Helpline at 1-877-908-3360 supports family members too.

Questions people ask